More From The Hobby-Master

Oh yeah, did I mention that although I "had it all figured out", I was a terrible husband...
Probably not.

This is the worst part of the story.

Behind the facade of The Biblical Scholar, was lurking a self-centered, jealous, verbally abusive ass.

And my wife bore the full burden of my true inept, insecure, self-hating, doubting self.

I made her my center.

She was responsible for (I made her responsible for)

my intimacy

my affirmation

my happiness

my protection from critics

blah, blah, blah...

(she should have killed me in my sleep).

I grew up in a family with a great father-provider..., who was absent, even when present.
No affirmation or interaction. (Hey, boys need that almost more than air! See John Eldridge's book Wild At Heart.) I needed my dad, and he was not there for me. So I grew up pretty much looking around to find my identity and found it in how others viewed me.
(I must say, at this juncture that my father is now the father I wished for. He is loving, kind, affirming and deeply...DEEPLY in love with Jesus. (True conversion!! Maybe the fodder for another post sometime.))

I met a beautiful girl, and she showed me attention, and believed in me, and I abused her love and trust to the end. And I mean to the end!

I made her responsible for fulfilling a level of intimacy only found with God.

I was really screwed up.

I still am, to a large degree.

I will share my way out in a near-future post.

(For those of you who have been asking, this is the shocking change two years ago.)

I was blessed today to listen to a CD given to me by a close friend.
It spoke of evangelism and how we put way too much pressure on ourselves for the outcome of evangelism. (If you are interested, send me a note & I will give you the info.)
The speaker also told of a false analogy of evangelism being a "former beggar telling other present beggars where to find bread".
He corrected this analogy with "a present beggar telling other present beggars where to find bread".
We are still beggars in need of the bread of God's grace.
Freely given, freely received.
Blessed be His Name.

Jesus, my hobby

I had been a Christian for about 24 years.
I had been steeped, (steeped) in theological learning, disputing, concentration and basically egotistical inflation for most of those years.
I had been afforded an unsurpassed Biblical education at a top-notch institution, renowned for academic excellence, and had excelled and graduated with honors.

I had a firm grasp on Biblical

interpretation

exegesis

languages

apologetics

systematic theology

polemics

etc...

I was respected as the scholar.

I was not raised in my particular tradition, but had mastered it. And, in my particular tradition, it is praiseworthy to be sharp. It is commendable to know. Actually, it is a goal to know more than anyone else, especially those in other traditions. And to be persuasive enough through knowledge and the science of hermeneutics, (ahem, our hermeneutic), to make converts to our tradition is worthy of applause.

My goal was to:

1) show you how much I knew

2) gain your praise

3) convince you that I am right, you are wrong, (unless I have already converted you, then I am still more right than you)

4) get you to continue to feed my ego

5) wear a cloak of false humility, ("oh, I am just being obedient by using my talents...")

I knew a lot about Jesus.

I could tell you what He wore, what He ate, how He slept.

I could assure you of the words He used to express Himself.

I could tell you what His neighbors were like, what kind of houses they had.

I could paint the historical / political / social picture complete.

I could make you feel like you were there.

I knew a lot about Jesus.

I

just

did

not

know

Jesus.

He was my hobby. Not my LORD.

I was a student. Not a disciple.

He was just facts and history. Not the Living One.

I was empty.

I

was

a

FAKE.

Then, two years ago, something happened.
Something that changed me forever.
Something that I would trade all of my abilities, knowledge and accomplishments for in a heartbeat.

That is for the next post.

I am on a trek. I am on a quest for true discipleship. I am on the way to true release, total dependence.

I am going to record how I got here, and then, LORD willing, record future steps.
I hope someone else is blessed.
I know I have been.

doug-less

P.S. - Don't feed my ego. Be critical.