Oh yeah, did I mention that although I "had it all figured out", I was a terrible husband...
Probably not.
This is the worst part of the story.
Behind the facade of The Biblical Scholar, was lurking a self-centered, jealous, verbally abusive ass.
And my wife bore the full burden of my true inept, insecure, self-hating, doubting self.
I made her my center.
She was responsible for (I made her responsible for)
my intimacy
my affirmation
my happiness
my protection from critics
blah, blah, blah...
(she should have killed me in my sleep).
I grew up in a family with a great father-provider..., who was absent, even when present.
No affirmation or interaction. (Hey, boys need that almost more than air! See John Eldridge's book Wild At Heart.) I needed my dad, and he was not there for me. So I grew up pretty much looking around to find my identity and found it in how others viewed me.
(I must say, at this juncture that my father is now the father I wished for. He is loving, kind, affirming and deeply...DEEPLY in love with Jesus. (True conversion!! Maybe the fodder for another post sometime.))
I met a beautiful girl, and she showed me attention, and believed in me, and I abused her love and trust to the end. And I mean to the end!
I made her responsible for fulfilling a level of intimacy only found with God.
I was really screwed up.
I still am, to a large degree.
I will share my way out in a near-future post.
(For those of you who have been asking, this is the shocking change two years ago.)
I was blessed today to listen to a CD given to me by a close friend.
It spoke of evangelism and how we put way too much pressure on ourselves for the outcome of evangelism. (If you are interested, send me a note & I will give you the info.)
The speaker also told of a false analogy of evangelism being a "former beggar telling other present beggars where to find bread".
He corrected this analogy with "a present beggar telling other present beggars where to find bread".
We are still beggars in need of the bread of God's grace.
Freely given, freely received.
Blessed be His Name.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Friday, March 7, 2008
Jesus, my hobby
I had been a Christian for about 24 years.
I had been steeped, (steeped) in theological learning, disputing, concentration and basically egotistical inflation for most of those years.
I had been afforded an unsurpassed Biblical education at a top-notch institution, renowned for academic excellence, and had excelled and graduated with honors.
I had a firm grasp on Biblical
interpretation
exegesis
languages
apologetics
systematic theology
polemics
etc...
I was respected as the scholar.
I was not raised in my particular tradition, but had mastered it. And, in my particular tradition, it is praiseworthy to be sharp. It is commendable to know. Actually, it is a goal to know more than anyone else, especially those in other traditions. And to be persuasive enough through knowledge and the science of hermeneutics, (ahem, our hermeneutic), to make converts to our tradition is worthy of applause.
My goal was to:
1) show you how much I knew
2) gain your praise
3) convince you that I am right, you are wrong, (unless I have already converted you, then I am still more right than you)
4) get you to continue to feed my ego
5) wear a cloak of false humility, ("oh, I am just being obedient by using my talents...")
I knew a lot about Jesus.
I could tell you what He wore, what He ate, how He slept.
I could assure you of the words He used to express Himself.
I could tell you what His neighbors were like, what kind of houses they had.
I could paint the historical / political / social picture complete.
I could make you feel like you were there.
I knew a lot about Jesus.
I
just
did
not
know
Jesus.
He was my hobby. Not my LORD.
I was a student. Not a disciple.
He was just facts and history. Not the Living One.
I was empty.
I
was
a
FAKE.
Then, two years ago, something happened.
Something that changed me forever.
Something that I would trade all of my abilities, knowledge and accomplishments for in a heartbeat.
That is for the next post.
I am on a trek. I am on a quest for true discipleship. I am on the way to true release, total dependence.
I am going to record how I got here, and then, LORD willing, record future steps.
I hope someone else is blessed.
I know I have been.
doug-less
P.S. - Don't feed my ego. Be critical.
I had been steeped, (steeped) in theological learning, disputing, concentration and basically egotistical inflation for most of those years.
I had been afforded an unsurpassed Biblical education at a top-notch institution, renowned for academic excellence, and had excelled and graduated with honors.
I had a firm grasp on Biblical
interpretation
exegesis
languages
apologetics
systematic theology
polemics
etc...
I was respected as the scholar.
I was not raised in my particular tradition, but had mastered it. And, in my particular tradition, it is praiseworthy to be sharp. It is commendable to know. Actually, it is a goal to know more than anyone else, especially those in other traditions. And to be persuasive enough through knowledge and the science of hermeneutics, (ahem, our hermeneutic), to make converts to our tradition is worthy of applause.
My goal was to:
1) show you how much I knew
2) gain your praise
3) convince you that I am right, you are wrong, (unless I have already converted you, then I am still more right than you)
4) get you to continue to feed my ego
5) wear a cloak of false humility, ("oh, I am just being obedient by using my talents...")
I knew a lot about Jesus.
I could tell you what He wore, what He ate, how He slept.
I could assure you of the words He used to express Himself.
I could tell you what His neighbors were like, what kind of houses they had.
I could paint the historical / political / social picture complete.
I could make you feel like you were there.
I knew a lot about Jesus.
I
just
did
not
know
Jesus.
He was my hobby. Not my LORD.
I was a student. Not a disciple.
He was just facts and history. Not the Living One.
I was empty.
I
was
a
FAKE.
Then, two years ago, something happened.
Something that changed me forever.
Something that I would trade all of my abilities, knowledge and accomplishments for in a heartbeat.
That is for the next post.
I am on a trek. I am on a quest for true discipleship. I am on the way to true release, total dependence.
I am going to record how I got here, and then, LORD willing, record future steps.
I hope someone else is blessed.
I know I have been.
doug-less
P.S. - Don't feed my ego. Be critical.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Shekhinah...appended
Also, think about this.
What was God doing all that time in Exodus, Leviticus, et al...?
All those laws, sacrifices, commands, instructions, building...etc?
He was not only preparing His people to be His people, also, He was preparing them to abide in His presence. HIS PRESENCE!
Intimacy.
Guidance.
Ongoing Communication.
Instruction.
Discipline.
Relationship.
Provision.
Everything a father is expected to have with his children.
This type of relationship had not been available since the Garden debacle.
Man needed God to come near. Only...think of this. God Himself also wanted to come near. He prepared His people because He wanted to come to them. God desired to abide with them.
It is indeed a very sad story, many years later, when Ezekiel is transported to Jerusalem to the Temple, and is shown the drama of God's presence leaving His people. (Ez. 8ff) One can sense the hurt, anguish and anger of the Father as he withdraws from the Temple. One can feel the sense of hopelessness as God leaves the people to themselves.
However, God is not a quitter. Thankfully.
He comes back, many years later, only, now, He has chosen to come near, not shrouded in an awesome dark cloud with peales of thunder and crashes of lightening...but,
as a baby.
helpless.
poor.
weak.
One of us.
Then, again, we push Him away.
We kill Him with our sinfulness.
He does not give up. He comes back to life. Sin could not win. Sin could not hold Him hostage. He breaks the bonds of sin, and death, and gains victory for all who trust in Him, Him alone to save and change them. He then leaves His presence to abide with His people forever in the Person of His Spirit.
Again we are able to permanently abide in His presence, and He with us because He wants to.
Intimacy.
Guidance.
Ongoing Communication.
Instruction.
Discipline.
Relationship.
Provision.
Everything a Father is expected to have with His children.
Thank You, ABBA.
What was God doing all that time in Exodus, Leviticus, et al...?
All those laws, sacrifices, commands, instructions, building...etc?
He was not only preparing His people to be His people, also, He was preparing them to abide in His presence. HIS PRESENCE!
Intimacy.
Guidance.
Ongoing Communication.
Instruction.
Discipline.
Relationship.
Provision.
Everything a father is expected to have with his children.
This type of relationship had not been available since the Garden debacle.
Man needed God to come near. Only...think of this. God Himself also wanted to come near. He prepared His people because He wanted to come to them. God desired to abide with them.
It is indeed a very sad story, many years later, when Ezekiel is transported to Jerusalem to the Temple, and is shown the drama of God's presence leaving His people. (Ez. 8ff) One can sense the hurt, anguish and anger of the Father as he withdraws from the Temple. One can feel the sense of hopelessness as God leaves the people to themselves.
However, God is not a quitter. Thankfully.
He comes back, many years later, only, now, He has chosen to come near, not shrouded in an awesome dark cloud with peales of thunder and crashes of lightening...but,
as a baby.
helpless.
poor.
weak.
One of us.
Then, again, we push Him away.
We kill Him with our sinfulness.
He does not give up. He comes back to life. Sin could not win. Sin could not hold Him hostage. He breaks the bonds of sin, and death, and gains victory for all who trust in Him, Him alone to save and change them. He then leaves His presence to abide with His people forever in the Person of His Spirit.
Again we are able to permanently abide in His presence, and He with us because He wants to.
Intimacy.
Guidance.
Ongoing Communication.
Instruction.
Discipline.
Relationship.
Provision.
Everything a Father is expected to have with His children.
Thank You, ABBA.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Shekhinah
I was reading through the Bible this year, and, as usual, I always get side-tracked by Moses. I thought I would make it through this time, and got to the end of Exodus and there it was, the thing that, this year, would sloooowww me down in my Bible reading. Exodus 40:34-38.
Moses! You always get me! (Actually, I absolutley love Moses. I am so intrigued by him and the events of his life. His relationship with God is awesome. First he is afraid of God at the burning bush, then we find him growing in his confidence as he approaches God, then finally...I love it...he begs God to show him His glory! AND HE DOES! Well, at least from behind.)
Anyway...
At the end of Exodus, the people are finishing the tabenacle, and when all is done, the blessed Shekhinah (Divine Presence) of God comes down in a cloud and settles on the tent of meeting. And then look at verse 35,
"Moses was not able to enter the tent of meeting because the cloud had settled on it and the glory of the LORD filled the tabenacle."
WHAT??!!
Moses could not go in...because God was in there? I thought Moses went before God all of the time. Was it not Moses who went up on the mountain into the presence of God into the thick darkness in Exodus 20:21? What is going on here?
With some more investigation I found that, much later, the same thing happens when Solomon dedicates the Temple in Jerusalem in I Kings 8 (see also II Chron. 7:1-3ff).
Verses 10 & 11 - "It happened that when the priests came from the holy place, the cloud filled the house of the LORD, so that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud, for the glory of the LORD filled the house of the LORD."
Here, the priests could not stand to serve, because the Shekhinah was there.
Can you imagine the presence of the Lord being so thick in a place that even Moses and the sanctified Priests could not stand it? Wow!
I looked for references to help me with these passages, and, to be quite honest, I could not find much. Hardly anyone would comment. Most was just cross-reference from the Exodus passage to the I Kings / II Chronicles passages and back.
One slight reference did shed some marvelous light on this. It did not say much, but referenced Hebrews 9. (I will not quote the entire chapter here, but read it in light of the above-mentioned passages. I was blown away!)
Jesus, entered, not a man-made tabernacle, or a man-made holy of holies, but the real thing. He was not repelled (maybe not a good word?) by the Shekhinah, but was welcomed. He did not stand outside, but entered in to the most holy place and pulled back the veil and...gained access for all of us. Yes. He invites us into the presence of His Father, and our Father.
He made the exchange.
He has declared us to be what He is.
Righteous.
Pure.
Holy.
Clean.
Good.
Acceptable.
He pulls back the veil.
Welcome home.
Moses! You always get me! (Actually, I absolutley love Moses. I am so intrigued by him and the events of his life. His relationship with God is awesome. First he is afraid of God at the burning bush, then we find him growing in his confidence as he approaches God, then finally...I love it...he begs God to show him His glory! AND HE DOES! Well, at least from behind.)
Anyway...
At the end of Exodus, the people are finishing the tabenacle, and when all is done, the blessed Shekhinah (Divine Presence) of God comes down in a cloud and settles on the tent of meeting. And then look at verse 35,
"Moses was not able to enter the tent of meeting because the cloud had settled on it and the glory of the LORD filled the tabenacle."
WHAT??!!
Moses could not go in...because God was in there? I thought Moses went before God all of the time. Was it not Moses who went up on the mountain into the presence of God into the thick darkness in Exodus 20:21? What is going on here?
With some more investigation I found that, much later, the same thing happens when Solomon dedicates the Temple in Jerusalem in I Kings 8 (see also II Chron. 7:1-3ff).
Verses 10 & 11 - "It happened that when the priests came from the holy place, the cloud filled the house of the LORD, so that the priests could not stand to minister because of the cloud, for the glory of the LORD filled the house of the LORD."
Here, the priests could not stand to serve, because the Shekhinah was there.
Can you imagine the presence of the Lord being so thick in a place that even Moses and the sanctified Priests could not stand it? Wow!
I looked for references to help me with these passages, and, to be quite honest, I could not find much. Hardly anyone would comment. Most was just cross-reference from the Exodus passage to the I Kings / II Chronicles passages and back.
One slight reference did shed some marvelous light on this. It did not say much, but referenced Hebrews 9. (I will not quote the entire chapter here, but read it in light of the above-mentioned passages. I was blown away!)
Jesus, entered, not a man-made tabernacle, or a man-made holy of holies, but the real thing. He was not repelled (maybe not a good word?) by the Shekhinah, but was welcomed. He did not stand outside, but entered in to the most holy place and pulled back the veil and...gained access for all of us. Yes. He invites us into the presence of His Father, and our Father.
He made the exchange.
He has declared us to be what He is.
Righteous.
Pure.
Holy.
Clean.
Good.
Acceptable.
He pulls back the veil.
Welcome home.
Friday, February 1, 2008
New
I changed the blog name and am going to renew my commitment to post.
The name change came due to a friend's revelation that he was told I was now to become less and less and Christ more and more in my life. For someone who is always struggling with wanting to get to the front of the line, it is very appropriate.
I have also been very negligent with my postings. I have had numerous revelations and epiphanies, but, alas, they were lost to my own musings.
I will do better.
Hope you come along.
The name change came due to a friend's revelation that he was told I was now to become less and less and Christ more and more in my life. For someone who is always struggling with wanting to get to the front of the line, it is very appropriate.
I have also been very negligent with my postings. I have had numerous revelations and epiphanies, but, alas, they were lost to my own musings.
I will do better.
Hope you come along.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)